A month ago my symptoms were acting up and a lot worse. For months I was going in and out of psychosis I believe due to the fact that one of my meds was at too low of a dose. I emailed my doctor several times in this period complaining asking if it was my thyroid. He was more concerned with my meds, and thought mania was creeping in when I told him that my perception of reality kept changing everyday. So I increased one of my medicines and before I knew it, I started feeling better and reality became more consistent. I told my doctor that and now he believes I'm more Schizoaffective instead of just having Bipolar. It wasn't much of a surprise really, I've been labeled annd diagnosed with this disorder before. It just confirmed my suspicions really, and reinforced what I forgot about several years ago. I looked for all the information I could on the disorder, but there wasn't much. What I gathered is that Schizoaffective diorder is a combination of Bipolar Disorder and some signs of schizophrenia. Good to know I thought. I also read that they are loners and tend to keep to themselves which I do sometimes, but the thing I hated to learn is that people of this disorder have trouble holding down jobs. And it's true based on my experience. I just wish I could find a job and keep it, and that I would find something I like. My meds are adjusted well now which I am thankful for, I just have to find a job I would enjoy now while having the motivation to do it. I suppose it's just a matter of time.
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Is it really possible to be content in this life living day to day with bipolar disorder? That's a question with varying responses, but I believe that it can be. Jesus himself said, " In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world!" Granted some of us seem to have more trouble getting through life than others, and Christ's statement may be of little or no worth to you. However, to myself this statement means we should expect resistance in this life, it's not a cake walk! I also take comfort in the above quote, because He tells me to look at the brightside of things. Based on my belief in the Christian faith, I have Christ's spirit within me and I don't have to do this bipolar thing alone!
No, I'm not saying because I believe in Jesus that my life is all peachy and good. Somedays I find myself questioning my faith and all that I believe. I'm not one of those guys saying that if you come to Christ your life will be easy, and you'll never feel bad again. We all know better that living with bipolar disorder is not easy or peachy. However, without a doubt I know that with Christ my life is ultimately better and counting towards something besides myself. This post isn't meant to be super spiritual, so I'll move on. I know that having bipolar myself and other health issues has made it extremely difficult to be content at times. It's so hard to be content when you never know how you will feel at any particular time, or how your brain is going to work or not work upon awakening. Does the weather affect your mood, it does me. In my case with a thyroid problem as well, life has become even harder to predict and reality becomes warped at times. I have tons of time to think, I try to resolve problems, or really questions that I have concerning my future life. My questions are usually about the same thing, what will I do when I grow up? I can't make up my mind or commit to a decision so it seems. One day something sounds good, but then later it doesn't. Nothing really "clicks" in my head like I think it might someday. My thoughts are speeding up and my focus is getting too much on myself. And you know what? That's what usually leads to my discontentment. It's easy to do when you spend more time by yourself than with others. It's a given thoughts and moods change and sometimes it's easy to care about nothing, but I really believe contentment happens when we get our minds off ourselves and do something to help others. Easier said than done, but do it. I'm working on "filtering" my thoughts and keeping the negative ones away. This I believe will make me more content as I focus on Christ, and believe that this day I can be happy and content. What is my bipolar disorder achieving in and through me? Was there a purpose in mind when God allowed me to get sick and be diagnosed as mentally ill? If you would have asked me in the beginning I would have said, it's achieving nothing. Again the thorn in my flesh analogy is from the Bible, where the apostle Paul is being tormented by what he refers to as a "thorn in his flesh." It makes him weak in ways and he prays to God to remove it, yet he doesn't. There's a purpose for the thorn in Paul's flesh, as there is a purpose for my bipolar I believe. Paul sees the thorn as weakness, and later writes that he will boast about his weaknesses, because it is through them that Christ makes us strong! The thorn in Paul's flesh caused him to depend more on Christ, and probably kept him from getting too puffed up.
In the same way, my bipolar disorder keeps me dependent on God I pray. I mean when I wake up in the morning, I never know what mood I'm going to be in. I find sometimes I'm hopelessly depressed and anxious, and sometimes I feel great. However, I can face the day no matter and take comfort in God knowing that He is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my strength, my God in whom I will trust.(Psalm 18:2) My satisfaction isn't in myself, what I do for a living, or how I feel. My satisfaction and contentment is found only in Christ. Knowing this puts my bipolar in perspective as I trust him more, and believe that all things are working together for my good and for a purpose. I'll say it upfront, I hate winter. It's cold, it gets dark earlier, and at times the streets ice over making it more difficult to get around. Of course, it's nothing new, but I have noticed that the winter months are usually tougher on me than the summer months. Sure everyone is different and has there preferences, but it's almost if not a fact that people in general become depressed more often in the winter months. The lack of sunlight makes me depressed, and forces me inside for a better part of the day. I'm not here to complain really, but to address the point that people especially those with bipolar are prone more to depression in winter. Ever hear of seasonal affective diorder? Some people sit by bright lamps to combat the lack of light, and to keep depression away. Every one of my manic episodes had taken place between December and March, there's an explaination for that. I just have to be on guard more so in these months. Thank God for the holidays right? Staying busy somewhat is good, but exercise is even better. I've read that all exercise is beneficial for all people, and that some is better than none. The human body is meant to move, so move it and you'll see your depression start to decrease and your energy will increase. There's not much we can do about the winter months, but you can take steps to get healthy and at the same time keep the depression at bay.
The last month for me has been insane, so many things have been going on. As if the holidays aren't busy and crazy enough, my symptoms have been acting up. My thyroid was supposedly suppose to correct itself, but no it became worse. My thyroid levels went from suppressed to the opposite end of the sprectrum, extremely elevated. How could this even be? I'm thankful one of my doctors caught on to it and had an eye on me. It's good news to me that I'm being treated for my thyroid gland now with medication. I feel so much better already in just the last couple weeks. Prior to getting on the new med, I was having many bipolar symptoms that which the thyroid mimicked. I truly believe I went into psychosis one night while writing about my past, which was just the beginning. I looked into psychiatric symptoms of bipolar individuals of who also have a thyroid problem one evening. Keep in mind that I have been stable, yet I had every symptom on the list. This concerned me as well as my doctor. We finally pinpointed the cause of my symptoms, I pray. Who can say how long this problem of mine has been going on? I'm glad we caught it now though, because one night I felt manic and was thinking of checking myself into the hospital. Thank God it never happened. I'm enjoying life more now, which is a blessing. I look foward to Christmas and being with friends and family, knowing that I'm healthy and being "tuned up." I believe this new year will be a great one, no matter what may be in store. I'm hoping for great things.
I woke up this morning and started my day like I always do, with coffee and my electronic cigarette. I had a few cups, and I started brainstorming and working on my outline for my new story. The creativity and ideas started to flow again. The imagination and ideas come naturally; I believe my disorder helps a lot with that. After working on it for a couple hours, I started to get a mental block. So I decided to eat a little and take a break. I left and went to my mother's house to check emails, before starting to brainstorm again. I got past the mental barrier that I was stuck at earlier. A hour later, I felt like I needed to go to sleep again. Althought I had a good nights sleep, my energy level started to plummet. I'm struggling now to keep my eyes open, and I'm having trouble concentrating.
It started about a month ago. I saw a new doctor who ordered some lab tests. Long story short, my thyroid is producing too much of certain hormones. The doctor said having a thyroid problem could mimic bipolar symptoms. I got it checked out, and it's nothing serious, or anything to worry about. However, until it goes away and the hormone levels come down to normal; I believe this "crash" will continue to happen. A thyroid problem can be caused I read, by certain medications. The point being, it can be hard to know what causes problems, in this case an energy problem. Especially when health issues and symptoms overlap one another. Is there a link between bipolar disorder and creativity? I've read articles suggesting there might be. I don't have the answer necessarily, but I do have my personal experience. I wonder if the person who has bipolar was creative before going into a manic episode, or if the illness draws it out of them to be creative. I suppose you have to define what being creative means to you. I would say it is a lot more than just being good at art. Then again, art is a lot of things and takes on many forms. As for me I always liked to draw as a kid, but I don't draw much now as an adult. I don't do much drawing in a manic episode, however I do remember doing some quick sketches on hospital folders. I'm not saying making some rough sketches was art. I do however believe that the way a manic person thinks in an episode, is completely different than a person who isn't manic or bipolar. The constant flow of information and ideas keep pouring in. The way I process these ideas are completely different from others. These racing thoughts pour in so rapidly, my mouth can't keep up with what I want to say. In an episode of mania people such as myself have some unrealistic ideas. However, it's the ideas that make people creative. Our minds work so differently because of the imbalance of chemicals in our brains. I've had the idea of writing a book about my life in a manic episode, but I didn't get far due to not being able to concentrate for long. One time in my first episode, I had so many thoughts that I filled up an entire brand new college notebook...overnight! The thought process is sped up and uncontrollable without medicine. I believe our creativity can be better harnassed while stable. That way we can focus our energy without getting distracted. I've written a book about my life since becoming stable these past couple years. I think our creativity whatever it is, will be much better once we are stable and our bipolar is under control.
I believe there is a difference between being stable and recovering. I've been challenged as I continue to learn more about bipolar disorder everyday. There is so much information available to us these days, and it is impossible to know it all. However, I strive to learn more and grow. I've been stable for two and a half years now, but I've had a lot of problems. I do prize being stable, but I don't believe it is recovery. I'm learning through bipolar workbooks and certain others that there's more to getting well than just being stable. I want to have my illness under control and I believe this is possible if I get the right help. Yes, there's a difference between having a mental illness that drives you, and having a mental illness that you control. Of course medication is the first step to managing a mental illness, but why then have I had so many symptoms in between my episodes? Why has work been so hard and nearly impossible for me to keep? I don't think I've been given the proper tools to cope with certain situations, and as a result I'm going in circles. I'm not learning from my mistakes because my illness is triggered with various symptoms, and so far I have not been able to react properly. I believe as I continue to learn about different kinds of therapy and develop the right coping skills, this illness will fall under my control. I pray that when I do return to work these problems that will appear, will no longer be as big. I hope I can laugh someday at these problems and I learn to cope with them. We all hear that there's successful, productive people with this illness; I plan to recover fully and be one of them. Bipolar disorder is part of me, but I won't let it define me and be me. I'm gonna own this illness.
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AuthorI was diagnosed bipolar 1 in March of 2005. It's been a challenge to say the least to live with this disorder everyday. There has been some major ups as well as downs. It's just something I have to deal with. Everyone has their own problems and struggles to sort out and this is just one of mine. I'm not asking for anybody to feel sorry for me. I just want to educate those who don't know much about it, and if it helps out somebody along the way even better. Archives
May 2017
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